Photo: CarbonNYC

It was an alarming thought.

Again I was to be reminded of the battle against my sinful nature. Though I know I’m a son, redeemed and justified by God through faith in Jesus Christ, I continue to experience the tension that arises with sojourning this side of heaven.

But to feel so starkly this sense was quite scary. I immediately recognized it for what it was when it reared its ugly head in response to the fortune of another.

The thoughts of selfishness arose within me. ‘Am I being overlooked?’ ‘What about me?’ ‘That ought to be mine.’ The very idea of presuming something ought to be mine was in itself indicative of my old nature; the very part that in days of old compelled me to robbery and unnecessary violence – the same spirit that no doubt drove Cain to slay Abel.

So you can imagine the unsettling in my soul when I recognized that the blessing of another gave rise to envy. Disconcerted, I knew straight away that God was convicting me by his Holy Spirit.

John White, in his excellent classic Daring to Draw Near says, ‘We have a choice to make when we come to God about our sin. Either we justify ourselves or we justify God. We cannot do both.’*

I was faced with a choice. Would I justify myself, denying the envy that was so clearly evident in my heart, or would I justify God, the One who was convicting me? How could it be that despite being so blessed, I would still be envious of the favour shown to another?

Though not straightforward, I knew the choice I had to make. I would justify God – to have done otherwise would’ve been foolishness.

Just as the Psalmist asked God to reveal the sin in his heart and mind (Psalm 139:23-24), we too need to pray for God’s revelation of the sin in our hearts, as we’re incapable of discovering it for ourselves. In doing so he identifies our sin in order that we may confess, repent and resist.

Question: What do you do with envy; do you justify God or yourself?

In response to God’s loving correction let’s ask for grace to humbly receive his forgiveness and mercy as he continues to sanctify us.

*Daring to Draw Near, p.69; InterVarsity Press

Photo: Solomon Douglas | Editing: Nicholas

Having dropped my sons off at school I began the walk into work.

Even with the bitter cold I thought I’d read as I walked. A ridiculous idea, as not only did I need to evade the lampposts, but I also had to dodge the dog’s mess!

Whilst braving the elements and feeling a tad sorry for myself, I spotted one of my sons’ friends’ dads getting into his car. Now, I’m not one to pray for parking spaces at my local supermarket. Neither do I make a habit of interceding for the traffic lights to change in my favour, but what happened next was to remind me of God’s concern for even the small things, and of his grace and provision.*

‘God,’ I said almost in jest. ‘It’d be great if he’d offer me a lift as it’s freezing.’

Almost in anticipation that God would answer my (kind of) prayer I prepared myself for the offer. But as I approached him and walked by the car slowly I was met with nothing more than a friendly wave. Despite a hint of disappointment, I chuckled at myself for being so silly.

But the irony is this. As I walked with the hope of hitching a ride, a short 20 yards or so further, an older West Indian woman, who I’ve done no more than wave and say ‘good morning’ to in passing, was getting into her car. And guess what? She made eye contact and offered me a lift!

I gladly obliged and walked around the rear of the car to the passenger side where I was to sit comfortably for the duration of the drive to my destination.

Funnily enough, I’d made my request (or expressed my hearts desire) to God fleetingly. And having not initially received, I laughed like Sarah (Genesis 18:9-13), assuming that what I sought was outlandish, and in some way not of big enough significance to God in light of the important prayers that I ought to be praying.

Truth is, as I walk with God our discourse often takes several turns. Though I’d love to stay focused, almost on task, there are times when I’m totally distracted and will even start comparing the yellow brickwork of a modern build against the authentic red brick of an old Victorian terrace.

Bizarre I know!

But it’s through little experiences like this that God reminds me of an irrevocable truth. Namely, that he is a God of love who provides; even if not in the way that I’d expect him to, or for things that I’d assume he’d be uninterested in. I’m also reminded that he is a God of immense grace; one who, despite my fickleness and inconsistencies, remains patient and faithful.

It’s for these gentle reminders, and the lifts, parking spaces and changed traffic lights, that I’m grateful.

Have you ever laughed like Sarah, considering your request or hearts desire to be fickle or too idealistic?

*I’d be lying if I said I’ve never asked God for a parking space or for the lights to change in my favour whilst trying to get somewhere in a hurry, so I won’t say that I’ve never asked before.